Sex Addiction Group

Joshua Nichols

Marriage Counselor, Family Counselor, Sex Addictions Therapist

NEWSFLASH! SEX IS NOT DIRTY: Six Ways to Change How You Think About Sex

Mon, 03/04/2013 - 22:33 -- josh

In the season premier of the hit series Duck Dynasty, Phil and Miss Kay, as they are known, are witnessed bantering back and forth about their sexual relationship.  Phil very clearly implies that he wants some “lovin’” and Miss Kay conveys that he isn’t getting any action until he cleans himself up. 

Phil and Miss Kay, who are high school sweethearts, are at the top of this family hierarchy.  If you are a regular follower of the show, you’ll see that they have brought up a family on the foundation of God and godly principles.  It is not uncommon to hear them bring up God in conversation and each episode is usually ended with the family gathered around the dinner table where Phil leads them in a prayer.

In addition to their lives on camera, the Robertson family lead wholesome, God-fearing lives.  Phil even serves in an elder role at his church.  Please read this article put out by the Christian Chronicle if you want to learn more about this side of the Robertson clan.

With this information in mind, I pose the following question: Was Phil and Miss Kay’s sexual bantering inappropriate based on what we know about their morals and values, or, was this a healthy display of sex and sexuality in the family?

I hope you will watch the episode if you haven’t already.  Pay attention to what you are feeling when seeing this public display of sexual affection.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel any discomfort when I first watched it.  Should they being doing this? Does this reflect badly on the church and on family values?  Would I want my children watching this?  

Sex is dirty. Sex is bad. Save it for someone you love.”

I first heard the above statement made by Dr. Ken Adams in a training I was attending on sex addiction and sex addiction therapy.   When he said it, the entire class erupted in laughter.  We laughed because it sounded silly, but, unfortunately, it is fitting for the family cultures that most of us grew up in.  It is fitting for how the church, in many cases, has approached sex and sexuality over the years.  I don’t think this outcome was intentional, but it has been the message communicated to many of us by our parents and church leaders nonetheless.

Parents, young couples, church leaders, church – we need to make a drastic paradigm shift.  SEX IS NOT DIRTY!  SEX IS FROM GOD!  There is an entire book of the bible (Song of Solomon) dedicated to the sexual relationship of man and woman.  Please don’t misunderstand me; I am not saying that we should be complete open books when it comes to our sexual activities.  For instance, what goes on behind closed doors of husband and wife is private and should remain that way for the most part.  In other words, we do not need to hear the details of one’s sex life.  However, we need to work at communicating to our children and others that sex in the appropriate context is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, but instead, something to be proud of and excited about, because it is a gift from God (Genesis 2:24, 1 Corinthians 7:1-3, Proverbs 5:18-19).

Here are some ways you can start changing how sex and sexuality are viewed in your family from something dirty and shameful to something good and exciting:

1.       Show your spouse physical affection in front of your kidsI remember my parents sharing a passionate kiss once in my childhood.  Although I was a little embarrassed, I thought it was pretty cool.  I remember them laughing about my reaction.  In the comfort of your own home, there is nothing wrong with a long embrace, a playful slap on the rear, or a passionate kiss.  When your children see this, they are seeing how sexuality is handled in a healthy relationship.  Sex, therefore, is communicated in a positive light.

2.       Talk openly about sex when the opportunity presents.  Fight against feelings of embarrassment or shame and discuss the matter in a confident manner.   Others, children especially, will pick up on your embarrassment and get the message there is something wrong or shameful about sex.

3.       Banter. Teasing and making playful sexual suggestions is one way the excitement, joy, and goodness of sex is communicated.  This is what we see Phil and Miss Kay doing in the Duck Dynasty episode I discussed above.

4.       Engage in playfulness.  There is a sexual atmosphere created when you play, chase, or wrestle with your spouse.  Usually these activities involve close physical contact and a very important intimate experience we call “laughter.”  Many times, this kind of playfulness can be arousing and will ultimately lead to fun in the bedroom.   Yes, I am talking about sex!

5.       Partake in afternoon delights.  I included this one on here because if you have sex in the afternoon or daytime, that means there is a strong possibility your children are home.  You might question this one a little, but so many people I’ve counseled or talked with who remember their parents going into their bedroom to have sex  have seen this as a positive experience in the development of their sexual perspective.  On the flip side, many who have never known of their parents’ sexual activity cringe at the idea.  Of course, you need to take appropriate measures.  Lock your doors.  Don’t leave small children unattended.  Don’t have sex in front of your children.

6.       Use proper lingo for private parts. “Penis” and “Vagina” are the appropriate and proper terms for our genitals, not, “Pee Pee” and “Vajayjay.”  When we use alternative terms, we communicate that there is something dirty or shameful about these parts of our body, which are associated with our sexuality.  If you think I am wrong in my view on this, I ask you the question, “Then, why not?  If you don’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment, then, why not just use the correct terminology?”  Try it out. Test yourself. Next time you talk about it with your children, doctor, or anyone else for that matter, pay attention to how you feel when you use the proper terminology. 

I hope you will consider putting some of these thoughts into practice.  Just use your best judgment in doing so.  If you want to make some changes to your family culture when it comes to how sex and sexuality are communicated, but you’re unsure how to do that, there is no shame in consulting with a professional on the topic.

In conclusion, I would like to offer a big THANK YOU to Phil and Miss Kay for showing the world what healthy sexuality looks like in a loving, Christ-centered marriage. 

If you have any thoughts or suggestions on this matter, please feel free to share them with us.


Submitted by Larry Shelley (not verified) on

Your subject is very appropriate and well-said.  The Deceiver has muddle the minds of generations, leaving the impression in our culture that sex is evil, or at least, less spiritual than a celibate lifestyle.  Entire communions have swallowed his deception, creating what is referred to as "religious" life (celibate) and "secular" life, (which includes marriage).  What you write about acceptance of sexuality counters that philosophy, and you rightly write that righting such notions begins with how we model it at home.  It's an uphill battle regardless because our society for centuries has run counter to it.  The outflow from runs the gamut from unfilfilled marriages to abuse and worse.  Thanks for the suggestions.--Larry

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